6 Back-to-School Tips for LGBTQ+ Parents

For many LGBTQ+ parents, back-to-school time brings worries about whether our children will be harassed or stigmatized because of their families. After seeing my son through college, I can say that the worries never fully disappear, but there are things we can do to lessen them and to prepare our children for whatever they may encounter.

Inform and empower our children

Before our children even start school, we can build their self-understanding and self-confidence by explaining to them, in age-appropriate ways, how they and their family came to be. We can teach them about the many types of families and identities that they may encounter. LGBTQ+ and otherwise, and affirm that theirs is equally valid. We can ensure they see representation of themselves and families like theirs in books and media at home. We can build their resilience by encouraging them to respond constructively to adversity, connect with their feelings, and tell us when something goes wrong.

At the same time, our kids should be as inclusive of others as we want others to be of them. We should teach and model good interpersonal behaviors and introduce our children to a wide array of people and viewpoints, whether in person or through books, movies, and other media.

It is also vital, I believe, not to let the fears we may have as parents (or the fears we had as children) create worries in our children. Instead, we should ask our children how they feel about school, treat those feelings as valid, and respond accordingly, whether they are excited, apprehensive, apathetic, or combinations thereof.

If our children do have concerns, we may not be able to assuage them all—and it is sometimes better to let children discover solutions on their own—but we can offer insights from our experiences, provide guidance as needed, convey that home is a safe and loving space, and step in for problems that do require adult intervention.

Connect with teachers as needed

LGBTQ+ parents are often advised to introduce themselves to teachers as an LGBTQ+ family before the start of the school year. There is wisdom in this, but it is not a one-size-fits-all solution. I'd like to offer a more nuanced approach.

As I see it, there are three basic approaches. First, we can wait until questions or issues may arise before approaching teachers or administrators. This least intrusive method gives children the chance to control how and when to come out about their families, which can be empowering and respectful, particularly for tweens and teens.

Conversely, we can be proactive, meeting with the teacher (or sending an e-mail) to introduce ourselves and answer any questions they may have about our family. This may help them use the right language, parental titles, and pronouns. Depending on the response, too, it could help bring potential issues into the open so we can address them. And if we discover that the teacher is themself LGBTQ+ or an ally, it may quell our fears and be a chance to share resources and ideas.

A middle-ground approach is to find a way, without a special appointment or missive, to let our children's teachers know we are an LGBTQ+ family—a clear but subtler reminder to be inclusive. We could go to a start-of-year orientation and introduce ourselves as "[Child's] Mommy and Mama [or Daddy and Papa, or ...]," or wear a rainbow flag and/or pronoun pin, for example.

There is no one right answer for every family every year. The first year in a school may require a different approach than the third. We may even mix methods in a single year when dealing with both homeroom teachers and specialists. And there may be other aspects of our children and family that are equally (or more) important to communicate as well. We should do what feels right at the moment for our child(ren).

Get involved

Participating in our children's classes, say, as a guest reader or field trip chaperone, can also make us visible and keep us tuned in to school happenings, as can becoming a member of the parents' association or other committees. At the very least, we should show up for Parent's Night and other school events to whatever extent we can. All of this shows our children that their school experience matters to us and reminds others that our family is part of the community.

Find community and allies

Other LGBTQ+ parents, particularly with kids older than our own, can be an invaluable source of support. If you don't know any, try one of the many online groups for LGBTQ+ parents or follow other LGBTQ+ parents on social media.

We may also have more allies than we think, potentially including parents of our children's friends, other parents and teachers with LGBTQ+ relatives and friends, and non-LGBTQ+ families who may have similar concerns about equity and inclusion because of other aspects of identity. We can build bonds and take action based on our mutual desire for understanding and representation.

Educate ourselves and share resources

Many resources exist to help schools be more LGBTQ+ inclusive. Two good places to start are HRC's Welcoming Schools program (welcomingschools.org) and GLSEN (glsen.org). COLAGE also offers a useful "Back to School Toolkit" for youth with LGBTQ+ parents (colage.org/back-to-school-toolkit).

Trust our children

Remember that our children are resilient, sometimes surprisingly so. We shouldn't ignore problems if they arise—but nor should we discount our children's ability to handle them.

May this be a year of joy, friendship, and learning for all of our children.

Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian (mombian.com), a two-time GLAAD Media Award-winning blog for LGBTQ+ parents plus a searchable database of 1,800+ LGBTQ+ family books.