Billy Masters 01.11.24

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Photo by Gage Skidmore, via Wikimedia Commons.
Photo by Gage Skidmore, via Wikimedia Commons.

"Call me anytime."

—Chris Christie, when he gave Joy Behar his phone number backstage at "The View". I know politics makes strange bedfellows, but this is ridiculous.

We're a week into the New Year and many of you have asked if I have any resolutions. Longtime readers know I'm not really into resolutions. I resolve every day to live my life to the fullest. However, maybe my life has been a bit too full. Yes, I'm thinking my resolution should be to have less sex. Much less sex. Nothing against sex, which I enjoy...and am very good at. But sometimes you do it because. Like, I don't think Venus and Serena play tennis with just anyone holding their to speak. Perhaps moving forward, I'll be a bit more selective.

As 2023 drew to a close, I found myself in a courtroom. Yes, I got jury duty. I know this will sound amazing, but the entire experience was quite positive. It might have been the lack of traffic during my seven-minute drive to the courthouse. It might have been because the court provided free parking. Or it might have been that I picked up two Bacon Maple Chicken Sandwiches at Wendy's on the way! When I arrived, I found out I was the fifteen-hundredth person seen as a potential juror for a high-profile case! As the judge laid out the details, I found myself glancing past the five-person dream team at the defense table and making eye contact with the accused. Neither of us broke our gaze. At first I mused if defendants get conjugal visits with jurors (this was before my resolution, obviously). As it turned out, I didn't get on this jury. But I was willing to do public service!

Didya know Tiffany Haddish was arrested by the BHPD over the holidays? The day after Thanksgiving, officers found her sleeping in her car with the engine running. She first commented on the DUI at the Los Angeles Laugh Factory during a stand-up benefit for people in need. "You ain't lived till you got arrested in Beverly Hills, OK? It's beautiful over there. I've been in quite a few jails—just like the rest of y'all—I can tell some of y'all have been to jail. I still smell jail. If you're gonna do something, I say get arrested over there 'cause that jail is nice. That jail was nice—it's so clean!" She even joked that she got her period in the slammer. "I'm bleeding in the jail. OK, cool, but they had the best maxi pads. I've never seen pads so big." She said it was so big, she used it as a pillow.

Legal problems aren't restricted to famous folk. Remember Kim Davis? She gained infamy as the county clerk who refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses to couples in Kentucky way back in 2015. Obviously, same-sex marriage has continued since then. So has the legal case of the couple Davis refused, who sued for discrimination. The case wound its way through the various courts and, of course, the couple won $100K in damages. But due to the length of this trial, the associated fees have been what one might call excessive—and the "one" would be lawyers for Miss Davis. However, the judge disagreed and ruled that Davis must pay an additional $260,104 in legal fees! Incredibly, Davis is appealing the decision. Put it on her tab.

Then there's the case of Vanessa Joy, who is running for a seat in the Ohio House (presumably of Representatives). Joy, who is a transgender Democrat, was removed from the ballot because she did not include her previous name. According to Ohio law, any candidate running for office has to include any name changes in the last 5 years—and this includes her so-called "deadname". While many people are claiming this is a seldom-invoked law, it is nonetheless a law which has been on the books since 1995. It should also be noted that Michigan has a similar law.

Then there's Kimberly Dragoo, who is running for the School Board in Saint Joseph, Missouri. You may know her as one of the January 6th insurrectionists. And not just any insurrectionist. Her husband (also an insurrectionist) took a photo of Kimberly entering the U.S. Capitol building through a broken window. And let me stop here to say I have begrudging admiration for anyone who has the balls to not only do something illegal, but post a selfie doing the act. I'm not sure if it's hubris or stupidity—it's a fine line. Kimberly plead guilty to the crime and is awaiting sentencing. In the meantime, she's running to be on the School Board! Apparently in Missouri, one is allowed to run for office if found guilty of a misdemeanor—just not a felony. And thank God she didn't change her name.

A curious opinion piece appeared in "The New York Times" last week, querying whether Taylor Swift is in fact a lesbian. I cannot think of a bigger waste of my time than pondering this idea—although telling you about it seems totally fine. Since the straight men Swift has slept with haven't gotten off so easily, I can't imagine lesbians want anything to do with her. The point of the piece is that because Swift is so saintly and omnipresent, she's fair game. Someone in her camp took exception to this, and said (anonymously, naturally), "This article wouldn't have been allowed to be written about Shawn Mendes or any male artist whose sexuality has been questioned by fans." Well, isn't that nice. In protesting Swift's right to privacy, someone dragged in poor Shawn Mendes—who is hanging on by a thread. This broken shell of a 25-year-old boy spends his day depressed, listless, doing crunches, and suddenly he reads this. Hasn't he suffered enough? As for Taylor, she once said this about the LGBT-whatever community: "I didn't realize until recently that I could advocate for a community that I'm not a part of." Really? I'm not a straight white male, but I have no problem saying, "Leave Shawn alone." Then again, I'm no Taylor Swift.

A friend of mine tells a story about a dinner theatre in Fresno where they had a production of "Evita"—presumably with dinner. There was a rotating cast, and one person stood out. Eventually people would buy tickets to see the "Black Evita"—who happened to be a 16-year-old Audra McDonald. It was somewhat unusual to have an Evita of Color in the mid-'80s. But Broadway may get to see Audra break another color barrier. Rumors are flying about that McDonald will turn up in a revival of "Gypsy" next season (it should be noted that Audra reportedly played a minor role in "Gypsy" as a kid—also in Fresno). While everyone always talks about how often "Gypsy" is revived, it should be noted that the last Broadway production took place in 2008—helmed by Patti LuPone. That said, I saw another revival slightly more recently—and starring a Mama Rose of Color. Leslie Uggams led "Gypsy" at the Connecticut Repertory Theatre in Hartford back in 2014. What I found jarring was that Uggams was 71 years old at the time.

Rather than answer an "Ask Billy" question, I'm going to follow up last week's question about Charles Melton in the flick "May December". This film is somewhat inspired by Mary Kay Letourneau—the teacher who had a child with her 12-year-old student, Vili Fualaau. Well, Vili ain't so happy about this film. "I'm offended by the entire project and the lack of respect given to me." He feels his story has been stolen out from under him, and I get that. But let's break this down. He was portrayed by Melton, whom many consider quite hot. And, to be blunt, Fualaau is no looker. Not only that, but the character in "May December" is shown to have an enormous erect penis—which you can see on Cry me a river, Vili.

When we're talking about May and December in the middle of January, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. Boston's getting ready for its first snow storm of the season, so you know what that means. I'm getting ready to head back to Fort Lauderdale. To find out if I keep my celibacy intact, check out, the site that's hot all year long. If you have a question, send it to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Joy calls Christie for a booty call! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.