Persistence and Risk Taking

Lessons from an Earlier Generation of Lesbian Moms

A new anthology of essays by lesbian mothers who raised children in the 1980s, 90s, and early 2000s not only sheds light on the past, but also offers wisdom for today. For LGBTQ+ History Month, I spoke with the volume's editor, Margaret Mooney.

In "Radical Family: Trailblazing Lesbian Moms Tell Their Stories" (Wisconsin Historical Society Press), Mooney and the other contributors write of forming and sustaining their families at a time of fewer rights for and less awareness of queer families. All of the women lived in Madison, Wisconsin, a relatively progressive town in a more conservative state, but their stories reflect part of the larger "gayby boom" across the country. (Newsweek printed the first known use of the term in a 1990.)

Mooney herself had long known she wanted to be a parent. "Before I turned 30," she said, "I decided I would only date women who wanted children." While there weren't that many lesbians at the time who did, she noted, "it was a priority for my life." Luckily, her now-spouse, Meg Gaines, shared that desire.

They decided to use a known donor, Mooney said, because Gaines felt strongly that she wanted their child to have a dad. Two of Gaines' friends, a two-man couple, agreed to donate sperm, and Gaines gave birth to a son, Reed. While only one of the men is the genetic dad, both are "adjunct parents," Mooney said. "They don't do any parenting," she explained. "We wrote up a contract with them. No rights, no responsibilities. But [the kids] still call them their dads. It just doesn't mean the same as in a heterosexual family." The men are still an important part of their lives; when I spoke with Mooney, she was in Italy celebrating Gaines' birthday with their two now-grown kids and the two men.

When Gaines and Mooney wanted another child, with Mooney carrying, they again wanted a known donor. The brother of a friend offered this time, resulting in their daughter Grace, and he and his wife remained in the family's life as well.

The book was sparked by a 2020 dinnertime conversation with another two-mom couple. All of their kids were then grown, and the parents were sharing tales. "We should capture these stories," Mooney thought—and decided to make it happen. "Madison, Wisconsin, is a tight-knit community," she explained. She knew or knew of the lesbians who had been starting their families during the same era as she and Gaines. "We invited everybody over and invited them to participate," she said.

The contributors formed their families in a variety of ways, through assisted insemination with known and unknown donors, via international adoption, and with former husbands. They faced obstacles that included restrictions on assisted reproduction and adoption for queer couples, lack of legal parentage for non-gestational parents, bans on marriage equality, financial challenges, homophobia directed towards them and their children, and AIDS and its impact on many of their gay men friends (some of whom were their donors). Sometimes the contributors were navigating divorce, break-ups, or homophobic relatives.

"The women that are maybe a decade older than us actually had a harder time," Mooney told me. "When I read their stories, I think, 'We are standing on the shoulders of giants.'"

She and Gaines felt accepted in Madison, however, with "really supportive other families in the schools." Once, she said, "somebody wrote something [negative] in chalk on our sidewalk, and of course I was scared for our kids, but only once." Then Wisconsin passed a constitutional amendment in 2006 defining marriage as between one man and one woman. "That felt like a punch to the gut, like Madison wasn't safe anymore," she said. In 2014, however, the amendment was overturned and marriage equality legalized.

Today, she says, "attitudes have changed. Nobody's very surprised at all. They see us as a couple. They don't think, 'Oh, you're two sisters.' We used to get that a lot." She gives much credit to marriage equality, which "just changed everything."

Mooney has advice, too, for today's queer parents and prospective parents. "Do what you really see as your life path, even if you might have obstacles," she said. "That's what all of us did. We had obstacles, whether it was finding a sperm donor or getting someone to let you adopt your child. And we all persisted. I would tell anyone who wanted to have kids that they should try to make it happen."

The essays in the book also show that "almost everyone took risks and they paid off," she asserted. For example, single mom Gail Hirn was initially hesitant to introduce her daughter Erin to her donor, Jeff, and tell her of their relationship. Jeff was dying from complications from AIDS and Hirn didn't know how his death would affect the girl. Finally, she explained their relationship and Erin met both Jeff and his mother. Although Jeff did die shortly thereafter, "Erin got a grandmother" and "his mom got a granddaughter. That's just so fabulous," Mooney said.

In Mooney's own family, she noted, "We took some risk having known fathers. And it paid off tenfold.... We have wonderful children and they have nice adults in their lives."

She therefore advises today's generation, "Follow your heart and be willing to take risks. I know everyone in the book is glad that they took the risks they took."

Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian (mombian.com), a two-time GLAAD Media Award-winning blog for LGBTQ+ parents plus a searchable database of 1,800+ LGBTQ+ family books.