A Multiplicity of Pride
Pride is not just a month, but a feeling—or rather, many feelings, and I am experiencing several of them right now as I mark personal, professional, and communal milestones.
On the personal level, I am proud of my son, who has just graduated from college. As a parent, of course, I have been proud of all his achievements, from his first steps onward. But graduating from college is a big step into the world. He worked hard for his degree, but he also learned more about himself over the past four years, gaining confidence and creating a path that felt right for him. I am ridiculously proud of the young man he has become.
I am proud, too, that my now-spouse and I were able to start our family in the first place more than two decades ago. We chose to do reciprocal IVF (my egg, her womb) before we even knew a term for it, and before we knew whether a court would grant me legal parentage of the child she carried. (It did, but only because we worked for it.). We didn't have all the resources available today, but we figured things out.
Not that we were really pioneers, though. We stood on the shoulders of the first intentional LGBTQ+ parents of the 1970s, of the queer parents in earlier decades who had children within different-sex marriages and then came out, and of the queer parents stretching back for millennia, arguably to Sappho (7th to 6th century BCE), who may have had a daughter.
I am proud to be part of that long tradition, one of the millions of LGBTQ+ parents carrying it on today. Some parts of parenting are universal, of course, and I also have pride simply in being a human who has raised a child. But I am particularly proud to do so within a community that has fought fiercely for the right to love and to be, that has challenged boxes and labels and sought to expand the possibilities for every person.
That combination of personal and communal pride came together for me 20 years ago this month, when I launched Mombian, a blog for and about lesbian moms and other LGBTQ+ parents. At the time, mainstream parenting sites rarely included LGBTQ+ people, while LGBTQ+ sites rarely included parents. I saw a need for a site that looked at parenting issues with a queer lens and queer issues with a parenting lens and that offered a mix of news, resources, and a little fun. While other sites both queer and not now include queer parenting stories more frequently, I'd like to think there's still use for one that draws on 20 years of in-depth coverage.
As my site reaches this milestone, I am looking back with pride at all that has changed for queer families in 20 years. Marriage equality is perhaps the most visible advance, bringing with it both legal protections and a growing awareness and acceptance of our families. But marriage protections and parentage protections are not the same. Even though same-sex married couples should benefit from the presumption that children born into a marriage are the legal children of both parents, some states have challenged that, and nongestational parents everywhere are still advised by legal experts to take additional steps to secure their parentage. For parents who choose not to marry, the need to do so is even greater. I am thus proud of the small but growing number of states that have updated their parentage laws to make this easier and to better protect children in all types of families. I am proud, too, of the legal experts, advocates, and elected officials who worked together to make this happen.
Representation of LGBTQ+ families has also increased greatly in the past two decades. Only a handful of LGBTQ+-inclusive children's books were published in 2005. Now, there are hundreds each year—and the Mombian Database of LGBTQ+ Family Books that I created as part of my website includes more than 1,800 items (and counting). I'm proud of the database, but I'm even more proud of every author and illustrator represented in it, starting with Jane Severance, who in 1979 wrote the first clearly LGBTQ+-inclusive picture book. These books have often faced challenges and bans, but their creators have defended them, defended each other, and championed the young people whose lives the books reflect.
Although the LGBTQ+ community has made much progress in the past 20 years, though, it seems we are now slipping backwards in many ways. I worry about the country my son and his generation are inheriting as they step into adulthood. I used to be proud of it, despite wanting to correct its flaws. Now, those flaws loom ever larger, chipping away at my pride, as our leaders display a sense of entitlement and hubris, pride in the worst sense.
But this is Pride Month, a time to renew our pride in the best sense—in our families, our community, and ourselves. May it be a month to honor all we have achieved, separately and together, to remember the proud spirits whose protests made it possible, and to recommit to holding our rainbow banners high. I've been proud to chart our progress over the past 20 years, and I know there are many more of our stories left to write.
Dana Rudolph is the founder and publisher of Mombian (mombian.com), a two-time GLAAD Media Award-winning blog for LGBTQ+ parents plus a searchable database of 1,800+ LGBTQ+ family books.