Billy Masters 04.04.24

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Photo via soyrodrigoaburto, Instagram.
Photo via soyrodrigoaburto, Instagram.

"His butt, for sure! He knows that. I told him, 'I didn't marry you. I married your butt.' He doesn't love this answer, but I love his eyes, too."

— Rodrigo Aburto reveals his favorite part of hubby Matteo Lane.

The cover story of last Friday's "Hollywood Reporter" asked a seemingly simple question: "Would You Wait Six Hours for Priscilla Presley's Autograph?" I can give a seemingly simple response: "No!" The article is about The Hollywood Show — a place where fans get to meet their favorite stars. It used to take place at the Beverly Garland Hotel — back when Beverly Garland was relevant...and alive! Now it's at the Burbank Marriott. The lineup of celebrities this year included several notables from "Dallas" (both incarnations). Before you ask, nary a Principal in sight. Why isn't anyone worried about where she is? She either looks really bad, or is in the Witness Protection Program. Someone who did show up was Miss Presley (née Beaulieu), who had a long and winding line of fans that was compared to one of the more popular rides at Disney. One of her assistants said, "She will stay until the very last person leaves. She's like that. She won't disappoint." Unless you're a relative who comes between her and an inheritance, in which case I would advise you to sleep with one eye open.

A week earlier, Priscilla showed up at the very last public performance by Tony Orlando. This took place at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut. Priscilla wasn't there out of love for Tony; she just happened to be doing her one-woman show in the same theater the next night. Tony was joined for part of the concert by his old singing partners, Telma Hopkins and Joyce Vincent, otherwise known as "Dawn". Fun fact: Telma and Joyce were not on the first recordings of the group. Back then, anonymous studio singers were used. Eventually, the ladies were cast as "Dawn" and stayed with Tony until 1977. They've reunited occasionally over the years and Tony couldn't say farewell to live performing without them. I watched most of the video from this concert and realized the only songs of his I knew were the ones with "Dawn" — whoever they were at the time.

One of Tony Orlando and Dawn's hits was "Say, Has Anybody Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose", a poignant song about a suburban mom who runs off to become a stripper, or a hooker, or a porn star — I was never quite sure. But I thought of the song when I read that convicted murderer Gypsy Rose Blanchard has broken up with her post—prison hubby after three months of wedded bliss. After a while, you can't sleep with one eye open. Ask Lisa Marie!

Rebel Wilson's memoir is being released this week. In "Rebel Rising", the funny lady doesn't hold back. In an Instagram post, she teased the following: "When I first came to Hollywood, people were like, 'Yeah, I have a no asshole policy, that means like, yeah, I don't work with assholes.' I was like, 'Oh, yeah, I mean that sounds sensible or logical. But then it really sunk in what they were meaning by that, older people in the industry. Because I worked with a massive asshole, and, yeah, now I definitely have a no assholes policy. Chapter on said asshole — it is chapter 23, that guy was a massive asshole." I might have hit my "asshole" quota for the entire year with this one paragraph. Once word of this chapter got out, someone threatened to sue. Rebel said, "I will not be bullied or silenced by high priced lawyers or PR crisis managers. The asshole that I am talking about in ONE CHAPTER of my book is: Sacha Baron Cohen."

Rebel played Sacha's wife in the film "The Brothers Grimsby". Anyone? Hands? I haven't seen the flick or, for that matter, read Rebel's memoir. But Wilson claims that Sacha "pressured" her to appear nude and "do other unsavory things". Cohen's team claims that all intimate scenes "adhered to guidelines and contractual requirements" and "these alleged asks were recorded by the cameraman on a film set for a movie, and followed a script that had been approved by all the actors." All this fuss over a movie I never even heard of!

Brit pop singer Robbie Williams (formerly of "Take That") is troubled that people are no longer speculating about his sexuality. "When 'Robbie Williams Gay' stopped being the top Google search my genuine thought was, 'Am I ugly now?' Not that I've ever thought I was a looker in the first place." I think it's just that he's gotten have we all. If it's any consolation, Robbie, we rarely speak of Bieber anymore...and that truly saddens me.

My indifference to anything Taylor Swift—related is well—documented. That said, I must sheepishly admit that I've been mistaken. All this time, I thought her tour was called "The Heiress Tour". Apparently, it is "The Eras Tour". Potato/Potahto. At least now I know she's a whole lot older than I thought! On the plus side, I have to appreciate that she's banging a guy described as having a "dad bod" — who also says he doesn't care. Bravo to that.

A pop princess I do enjoy is Aussie Kylie Minogue, even though I heavily criticized the fact that buying a ticket to see her in Vegas would require mortgaging some property and selling an organ. Well, you'll soon get a chance to see Minogue strut her stuff in Los Angeles. Kylie will headline a show celebrating West Hollywood Pride at the OutLoud Music Festival, which takes place June 1—2. Also performing over the weekend are Janelle Monáe, Diplo, Keke Palmer, Trixie Mattel, and others. Here's the catch — they haven't announced who is playing on which day. So, unless you want to risk the show selling out, you'll have to buy a weekend pass — which is quite pricey. Sneaky!

Last week, I posted my review of the Broadway revival of Stephen Sondheim's "Merrily We Roll Along". I am pleased to report that I contributed to the show recouping its $12 million capitalization. Although I was at the Saturday matinee, a notable star attended the Sunday matinee — Jennifer Lopez. J—Lo (and her crew) attended because her child Emme wanted to see the show. I say "child" because I'm not exactly sure how to refer to Emme. While Emme was born female and the headlines about going to "Merrily" say, "Jennifer Lopez and Her Daughter Emme Enjoy a Date on Broadway", I seem to remember other articles saying that Emme is non-binary and eschews feminine pronouns. Jennifer refers to her twins as "Coconuts", but I don't think I could use that term — particularly since Big Daddy Masters used to bathe me while singing, "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts". But that's a story better left between me and my team of therapists. It should be mentioned that accompanying the photo of Emme hugging "Merrily" star Jonathan Groff, "People" magazine used the term "they".

Here's a story I hate to even bring up — because I know, and you know, and even Liza knows it was a typo. But what a typo it is! On April 13th, the Mark Taper Forum in Los Angeles is mounting Michael Feinstein's latest venture — "Rainbow: The New Judy Garland Musical". Not only has he put this show together, he's in it! I wouldn't be surprised if Liza shows up — which makes this all the more juicy. The press release issued by the Center Theatre Group (parent company of the Taper) said the following: "The show is executive produced by Michael Feinstein and Liza Minelli." Don't they know? It's Liza with a "Z", not Lisa with an "S", 'cause Lisa with an "S" goes Ssss not Zzzz. It's "Z" instead of "S", "Ly" instead of "Lee". It's simple as could be. See, Liza. It's "M" "I" double "N", then "E" double "L" "I". You double up the "N" that's Nnnn not "Nu". Then "E", double the "L", end it with an "I". That's the way you say "Minnelli"!

The opening quote for this week's column was almost this: "I know how to use my femininity" — says Kristen Stewart. Billy Masters asks, "What femininity?"

Remember the movie "Titanic"? Oh, if only I had those 72 hours back! Remember the climatic scene? When big, strapping Kate Winslet hoists herself onto a door, and holds the hand of little waifish Leonardo DiCaprio, crying, "I'll never let go, Jack" — only to cast him off without a second thought? Well, that very door just sold at an auction for over $700K! Winslet has decided the time is right to defend Rose dumping poor Jack to his icy death: "So, you've heard it here for the first time. Yes, he could have fit on that door, but it would not have stayed afloat. It wouldn't." I recall Rex Reed writing about their love scene when the film first came out by saying something like: "It was like watching a Chihuahua trying to mount a Golden Retriever!"

When we don't have time for an "Ask Billy" question, but we can fit in a questionable bestiality quip, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. And what a long column it was. I barely have time to remind you to check out, the site that'll show you a lovely bunch of coconuts. If you have a question you're confident will fit in, send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before we find out if Vicki Principal is in hiding with Shelly Miscavige. So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.