Billy Masters 04.18.24

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Photo by U.S. Air Force photo/ Senior Airman George Goslin. Public Domain photo, via Wikimedia Commons.
Photo by U.S. Air Force photo/ Senior Airman George Goslin. Public Domain photo, via Wikimedia Commons.

"Did you know we can't marry our siblings? Why can't we? We love each other."

— Sara Haines, "The View" co-host, relates a question her daughter asked. Trust me, kid, in time you won't want to talk to your siblings, let alone marry them!

We kick off with a story from a Tennessee politician— so get ready for some learnin'. Republican Representative Gino Bulso is advocating that first cousins should be allowed to marry if they receive genetic counseling. Personally, I'd recommend some sort of sterilization procedure. Bulso claims his argument is bolstered by the legality of same-sex marriages. "Unless anyone in this body can articulate a compelling interest to deny a male first cousin from marrying a male first cousin, this bill demonstrably violates Obergefell and we should vote it down." Presumably, first cousins shouldn't marry because if they procreate, it could lead to genetic issues. Exhibit A: the British royal family. Sometimes, you've got to let the chromosomes come up for air! But Bulso has a dog in this fight— he revealed that one set of his grandparents were first cousins. Well, call me Lassie because, guess what? My parents are also cousins. Close your mouths— not a single one of you is shocked by that. I hasten to add that Big Momma and Big Daddy are not first cousins. They are cousins through marriage. I'm not really good on terminology, so I don't know exactly what that makes them. The term "hillbillies" springs to mind.

I wonder what would have happened if Don Lemon and Tim Malone tried to get married in Tennessee? Would Representative Bulso have officiated their tying the knot? Or would he have tied a noose? Either way, congrats to Lemon and Malone on their nuptials. But I feel compelled to point out that Don Lemon is 58 while Malone is barely 40— and I say "barely" because they wed on Tom's 40th birthday. Following the ceremony, the couple danced down Fifth Avenue from the Presbyterian Church to the Ralph Lauren Polo Bar. That way, the religious folks were happy, the WASPs could shop, and everyone else drank. Cheers!

When Barack Obama was running for president, talk radio legend Lynn Samuels (a devoted Hillary Cilnton supporter) was asked if this was progress. After all, he was a Black man. "Yeah, but he's still a man!" You know how we've all been praising Pope Francis for his progressive views? Yeah, but he's still a Pope. And that came through loud and clear this week when the Vatican released "Dignitas Infinita" (or "Infinite Dignity)— a 20-page document that was personally approved by Pope Francis. In this doctrine, the Vatican denounces gender reassignment by saying, "It needs to be emphasized that biological sex and the sociocultural role of sex (gender) can be distinguished but not separated"— whatever the hell that means. On the flip side, Franny does maintain his support for homosexuality. The report condemns "the fact that, in some places, not a few people are imprisoned, tortured, and even deprived of the good of life solely because of their sexual orientation". The Catholic Church also continues to oppose abortion, euthanasia, and even surrogacy. And this got me thinking— if Jesus was the son of God, then wasn't Mary kind of a surrogate? Unless some hanky-panky went on and Joseph just bought that whole "immaculate conception" story.

You wouldn't expect a related story from The Beastie Boys. But they've revealed that Rat Cage Records was founded by Donna Lee Parsons— a trans woman who wanted to get surgery. She signed the Beastie Boys for their first shows and recordings. Knowing Donna wouldn't accept charity, the band gave her money that they said was royalties from their EP. She used the cash for gender reassignment surgery. That she died of colon cancer a year later I'm sure cannot be linked back to the Beastie Boys— at least not in a court of law.

What would the Vatican think of "The Golden Bachelor"? I've had roses last longer than this marriage— brief by even Kardashian standards. And the breakup is because they can't decide which house to live in? I have three houses, and it's never been a problem. Then again, I gave up on the franchise once they jettisoned Chris Harrison.

You know what else I stopped watching? "The Talk". Once they bamboozled Sharon Osbourne, they've been dead to me...especially that Sheryl Underwood. The network has frequently considered cancelling the show, but the timing was never right. It was too close to "the incident". Now that several years have passed, it's ancient history. And this begs the question— if a show that nobody is watching is cancelled, has anything actually been cancelled? OK, so they've put that horse out of its misery. And I mean the show, not Sheryl. Amusingly, the cancellation was shrouded in a renewal announcement. Yes, "The Talk" has been renewed for a 15th season starting in September. And three months later, it will disappear. Somewhere, Sharon is giggling like a schoolgirl.

As we went to press, we heard a story about Wynnona Judd's daughter, Grace Kelley. And let's just pause for a second to think about how ridiculous that is. Back to our regularly scheduled program. Grace Kelley was arrested for indecent exposure and also charged with prostitution. She was arrested at a busy intersection where she reportedly "exposed her breasts and lower body". I'm no expert on female anatomy, but I believe she was basically giving away the whole kit and caboodle! Proving that the apple doesn't fall far from the palomino, Kelley claims she can't get in touch with Wy, who has allegedly changed her phone number. "My mom won't listen to me. She won't believe me. She thinks I'm out here doing crazy shit," says Grace Kelley in an interview with the "New York Post" from prison. If that isn't the very definition of "crazy shit"...

Showbiz is a cutthroat business. Even in Provincetown— our quaint little enclave on the tip of forever. You think everyone there gets along? Think again. After years of entertaining the masses with world-class performers, Mark Cortale announced that the Provincetown Art House would be no more. The owner planned to turn the space into a microbrewery— 'cause that's what Ptown needs! Last year was the final season of entertainment, and Cortale promised to continue producing large shows at Town Hall. Now it's time for the various venues to announce their shows for the upcoming season. And what arrives in my inbox? A press release from...the Provincetown Art House! While we don't know what machinations went on, I noted with interest that one of the producers is drag artiste Ginger Minj— someone who was introduced to Ptown fans under the aegis of...wait for it...Mark Cortale at the Ptown Art House! I am not so naïve as to not understand business. If you own the Ptown Art House and want to bring in a new promoter, just say something like, "We want to go in another direction. Instead of Marilyn Maye, we want drag queens." Admittedly, not a huge leap. But, the underhandedness seems to be uncalled for.
Cortale's Town Hall series will include Audra McDonald, Seth Rudetsky, Jinkx Monsoon, Cheyenne Jackson, Denée Benton, Bianca Del Rio, Melissa Errico, Marilyn Maye, the Indigo Girls, and Claybourne Elder— who's really hot and talented, but has a name right out of "The Crucible". You can get more info at

I'll have more Provincetown dates as they trickle in, but I should mention that the Provincetown Theater will soon kick off their 30th anniversary season with "Angels in America, Part 1: Millennium Approaches". Remember when the millennium was something we thought was so far away? And here we are, glancing at it in our rearview mirror! This is a special project for artistic director, David Drake, who has oft wanted to direct it. He's got his wish...and a talented cast to boot. The run begins on May 9th, and you can get more details at

Could it be that someone who has been in the news recently is somewhat dismayed by his physical appearance? When he was filmed under professional circumstances (including good lighting and a snappy outfit in a questionable color), guys and gals alike reached out and wanted to touch parts of him best left untouched. In slightly more recent footage which he filmed on his own...well, let's just say the response was underwhelming.

When our blind item's singing a different tune, we've definitely come to the end of yet another column. Speaking of tunes, we survived the total eclipse of the sun. I don't know about elsewhere, but in Boston it got a bit overcast for half an hour. Certainly nothing worth waking Bonnie Tyler up for— which begs the question, where is she? While I look into that, you can check out, the site that isn't opposed to kissin' cousins. If you have a question, send it off to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before someone offers to pay Wynnona for sex! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.