Community :: Community Guide
The more things change... by Joyce Kaufman
Bay Windows contributorThursday Oct 1, 2009 ...the more important it is to do the right thing and adopt.
Three years ago, I wrote a piece for Bay Windows in which I addressed the importance of establishing legal recognition of our relationships with our children. At the time, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court was reviewing a trial court decision that had determined that a woman was not a de facto parent to a child born into her same-sex relationship with the child’s biological mother. What I said at the time was this: "When they rule, the definition of de facto parent may be expanded or, sadly, curtailed." Sadly, the definition of de facto parent was curtailed when the SJC upheld the lower court’s determination that this woman, who had fully participated in the couple’s decision to have a child, who had a loving and strong bond with the child, and who had provided all of the financial support to the family, but had failed to adopt the child, was not a de facto parent. And, in a decision issued just a few weeks ago, the Court has made it crystal clear that even where someone is a de facto parent, a biological parent’s rights are far superior to those of a de facto parent.
Sometimes I feel like a broken record, but it could not be more obvious that those of us who have children must protect those relationships in whatever way we can. And the best way to do that is to adopt. We are extremely fortunate to live in Massachusetts where we can legally marry if we choose to do so and where we can adopt our children, whether we are married or not. When a child is born into a same-sex marriage, there is a presumption that both parents are legal parents and both parents will appear on the child’s birth certificate. But -- and this is a big "but" -- the story does not end there. Unless you plan to remain within Massachusetts for the rest of your life and never to travel to or through a state with a Defense of Marriage Act, it would be a huge mistake not to do a co-parent adoption. It is likely that the non-biological parent’s rights will be subject to challenge in a DOMA state. And, it is quite possible that if your relationship ends in an unfriendly jurisdiction, the biological parent could challenge the parentage of the non-biological parent -- and win. Or, at the very least, cause you a lot of heartache and a lot of legal bills.
For non-legal parents in unmarried couples (or whose children were born before your marriage), your parental relationships are not protected in the slightest by existing law without an adoption. A declaration that you are a de facto parent is unlikely to give you anything other than visitation, if that. Legal parents who have agreed to co-parent their children should respect those relationships -- and our community -- and stop using homophobic laws or the absence of legal protections to their advantage. The world isn’t always fair, but you can be. It is the children who art hurt when non-legal parents are pushed out of their children’s lives. Regardless of what the law says, children form attachments to the people who love and care for them and destroying those attachments is traumatic.
So, do your children a favor -- adopt. As I wrote three years ago: "It’s not that difficult; it’s not that expensive. It is definitely worth it. Adopt your children and protect their relationships to the parents they love. Your children will thank you."
Joyce Kauffman © 2009
|
|
|
Email
Print
Share
