"I like freedom. I don't like bullies. And I love a good airbrushing."
—James Van Der Beek reveals why he joined the NoH8 campaign. I don't mean to criticize, but his photo has so much airbrushing, it almost looks like an artist rendering!

I could be dead by the end of this column. Or the end of the month. Or decade. That's the kind of medical prognosis I got after undergoing a battery of tests at my annual physical. One test came back slightly abnormal and my doctor gave me this news via e-mail—welcome to the electronic age! The exact quote was: "This does not mean that you have cancer.” Once I regained consciousness, I read the follow-up: "80% of these test results come back with a false positive, so don't worry too much about it." Talk about burying the lead!! I wonder if it's now possible to procure a medical degree through those online colleges —like the University of Phoenix School of Medicine and Auto Repair! So I guess there's a 20% chance that I could drop dead any minute—which is better odds than I usually have!

If you read this column regularly (which you should, since I'm dying), you know that Janice Dickinson just performed her one-woman show at a NYC nightclub where you had to consume two drinks before the show even began—a trick I might want to employ if I live long enough to revive my stage career. To promote the show, she was a guest of Derek and Romaine on Sirius/XM's OutQ, where she also weighed in on the bloodbath going on at America's Next Top Model. In case you haven't heard, Jay Manuel,J. Alexander, and Nigel Barker (who I am destined to marry—or at least have sex with in a public bathroom) are gone after next season.  Janice, who hasn't had anything to do with the program since 2008, blames it all on Tyra—although begrudgingly admits that there were probably others involved since Tyra "doesn't have a creative bone in her body." After questioning Nigel's sexuality (thank you), she dropped this bombshell: "I'm just going to say it - Covergirl chooses the model. It's not the judges. It's not Tyra." WOW!!!

Remember Nick Gruber, the former gay-for-pay porn star who hooked up with Calvin Klein in return for some alleged reconstructive surgery? His body of work is quite extensive, as you'll see by the photos and videos on BillyMasters.com. Alas, his romance with the designer has been less than stable. They were on; they were off. Calvin threw him a 21st birthday party. Then they were off.  Then they were spotted having lunch. Then they were kaput. This week, we got a break from the on-again/off-again dating status with a new story—Nick was ARRESTED! Apparently, he threw a late night party in his West Village penthouse (an odd term for a building that only has 10 floors). One of the people at the party was a 20-year-old named Calvin Swint. The two were having a private talk on the balcony and then, unprovoked, Nick punched him in the face. Swint quickly left, which I suppose is what you do after the host punches you in the face. The doorman saw he was bleeding and called the police at 4:58 a.m.. When they arrived, Gruber apparently tried to resist arrest by (and I'm quoting here) "flailing his arms in the air to avoid getting handcuffed.” I'm surprised he's that resistant to handcuffs. One of the cops spotted him shoving something into his pants, so they conducted a strip search—again, something I'd think he'd welcome. The cops found a stash of cocaine —also two sets of car keys, a cell phone, an avocado, and a life-size replica of the Venus de Milo. OK, I made up everything except for the cocaine.

But the gold is in the details. When writing up the report, the prosecutor said that Nick "did grab [Swint's] genitals and did seem jealous of him.” I'm gonna add in a seemingly irrelevant detail —Calvin is black. I hate to stereotype, but maybe he has something to be jealous of! Anyway, the story doesn't end there. Since Nick's arrest and release on $1,000 bail, Calvin (Swint, not Klein) announced that he's not pressing charges. Why? Because Nick is his good friend. "I'm absolutely not in a relationship with him.  He's like my brother, so if he was angry, I could understand why he could take it out on me." I have no idea what that means, but maybe it's because I don't have a brother. Nick's lawyer says he's confident that the charges will be dismissed.

The next day, Gruber was on Calvin's (Klein, not Swint) G4 jet, zipping off to The Meadows rehab in Arizona —the $35K bill being footed by his former/current paramour, Mr. Klein (who, incidentally, also paid two years rent in advance for that "penthouse"). According to a source, Nick was "talking really fast and sniffling" when he left NYC with his rolling suitcase. Well, it is allergy season. He was overheard saying there would probably be a lot of paparazzi waiting to get photos of him entering rehab. Because, you know, he's a big star and all.

Cher has pissed off an entire city—and possibly an entire country. In November of 1990, she was given the key to Adelaide, Australia. The plaque with the mounted key was amongst her most treasured possessions. You know she cared about it because it was in a box with the word "Mementos" written on a Post-it. It resurfaced last month on eBay—the proceeds earmarked for Cher's foundation. Once the people of Adelaide heard about this, they were outraged. Some even suggested that the money raised should be donated to the city's charities. Cher's emissary explained that they didn't mean to slight Adelaide, Australia, or her fair citizens. In fact, they should be proud that their honor raised so much money for her foundation. The winning bid was $95,900!

A battle is brewing for control of Zsa Zsa Gabor —well, what's left of her. Daughter Francesca Hilton has filed to get conservatorship away from her stepfather, Prince Fredric von Anhalt. She questions some of the decisions he's made, his ability to care for Zsa Zsa, and notes that when she's been allowed to visit, Gabor has been "heavily sedated" and isolated (I guess she wasn't invited to that 95th birthday party). Freddie is fighting back, citing Frannie's "past conduct" as just cause why she can't be trusted (she allegedly assaulted him). Stay tuned.

Our "Ask Billy" question comes from Casey in Milwaukee: "Have you seen this nude photo of Matt Dallas [formerly "KyleXY"]? People say it's his penis, but how do we know??"

We don't. And that's the problem with photos where the penis is cropped (so to speak). While I appreciate you sending me this "post coital" shot ("shot" being an appropriate term given the amount of liquid), I can't confirm or deny its veracity. But perhaps it will look familiar to someone who sees it on BillyMasters.com.

When Zsa Zsa has a better prognosis than moi, it's definitely time to end yet another column. That alleged photo of Matt Dallas reminds me of one last story— the Good Vibrations' Antique Vibrator Museum in San Francisco had their grand opening (so to speak) on April 12th. The collection includes sexual devices from as far back as the 1800s—so perhaps one of them will jog Zsa Zsa's memory! I'll post some pics on www.BillyMasters.com, in case Zsa Zsa or Francesca wanna stop by (Prince Fredric already has a membership). If you have a question, feel free to write me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I find out what brand of underwear Gruber was wearing (I'm sure you're all wondering the same thing)! So, until next time, remember, one man's filth is another man's bible.