Opinion :: Guest Opinions
Bereavement groups offer support for LGBT people who have suffered loss
by Beth Prullage
Bay Windows Contributor
Thursday Oct 16, 2008
"I don’t think that you can truly prepare yourself for loss. Joe died suddenly after thirty years, four months and two days of our relationship, and I have had to remake my life at the age of seventy-two," says Richard Langley. "I think that people need to fully grieve after a loss -- to weep, to scream, to curse, whatever fits one’s personality -- and that more than anything, a person needs to find support through friends, family, therapy, or other supports, as it is a difficult journey to go on alone."
"When my second parent died, the experience was unlike any loss I had ever known," says a 63 year-old lesbian. "I am an ocean person, and I understand the world in that way. When my mother was alive, it was as if I was a piece of seaweed attached to the ocean floor. With her death, it was as if I was ripped up by a hurricane and left floating in the ocean. I had lost my roots and was left to define myself anew."
The experience of loss can be disorienting, isolating and overwhelming. For many, the healing process can be aided by being in community with others who may be enduring similar pain, loneliness, or challenges in relearning the world after a loss. Many LGBT individuals do not have equal access to a range of social supports available to their heterosexual counterparts due to the presence or threat of homophobia. Although services may be available, they are not always open and affirming to LGBT individuals. When Richard Langley looked for support, he was cautious. "My HMO offered me a bereavement group, but they did not have a ’gay-oriented’ group available. At seventy-two years old, I came out in a hostile world, and maybe I expect hostility even when it may not be there. But I decided that I could not risk another trauma at that point, as sacred and as precious as was my connection to Joe. I did not want to risk the remote possibility that someone might look askance at me, or diminish my relationship to Joe in some way, to devalue in any way the strength of our connection, or to understand our partnership in some way less than their own."
"A year ago I lost two dear friends," states a 63 year-old lesbian. "I was lucky to have many LGBT people in my life who understood that in the gay world the friendship connection is as strong or stronger than the marriage connection; because for so many years that is what we had. What I have learned about loss is that we all grieve differently: some people sit quietly, others, like myself, may crack jokes but what is most important is that people have the opportunity to talk about it. It is important for others to be there and listen, to not change the subject, and instead to ask about the rituals of remembrance, or whatever else it is that the bereaved person wants to talk about."
In response to a lack of bereavement support services across the state specifically for LGBT individuals, Ethos and the LGBT Aging Project received a grant from the Department of Public Health to fund six bereavement groups statewide. Each group will run for six consecutive weeks and will be led by a licensed clinical social worker with experience working with bereavement in the LGBT community. The free group is open to any LGBT individual who has experienced the loss of a loved one (family member, friend, partner/spouse). The first two groups will launch later this month in Worcester and Boston. Other groups are scheduled to take place in Cambridge, the South Shore, Northampton and on Cape Cod between January and June of 2009.
The groups will provide an open and affirming space for LGBT individuals to grieve their losses, and to join together in community with others experiencing loss. The Worcester area group will take place on Tuesday evenings from 6p.m.-7:30p.m., beginning Oct. 21, and the Boston area group will take place on Wednesdays from 6p.m.-7:30p.m., beginning Oct. 22.
Beth Prullage is a licensed clinical social worker who will be facilitating the bereavement groups. To participate in one of the groups contact her at 413.695.2236.
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