News :: GLBT
Proud Parents by Laura Kiritsy
Editor-in-chiefWednesday Jul 1, 2009 These days, Ken and Marcia Garber of Quincy probably spend more time at LGBT events than the average LGBT person. From the transgender lobby days on Beacon Hill, to Boston Pride, to the Transgender Youth Summit held in the basement of the Cathedral Church of St. Paul in Boston on June 18, the two are familiar faces to many LGBT leaders and activists, particularly those in the transgender community. They do this in memory of their son, CJ Garber, a 20-year-old transgender man who died of a drug overdose in January.
"We keep going because like I said, I would hope that all parents would support their kids and this is just my way to keep supporting CJ," said Ken Garber during an interview at the Youth Summit, which was sponsored by the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition. "We show up at the different things and people ask us to speak; if we can do it we do it. Like I said, I wish I could say I represented all parents, but I don’t."
The MTPC Youth Committee honored the Garbers with an award at the Youth Summit "for all of their work, love, and dedication to transgender youth," as a statement on the MTPC website describing the honor put it. It was the first time the committee has bestowed such an award, which was created to recognize adults who are supportive of trans youth.
"I am so inspired and full of hope seeing you here," Marcia told the gathering. "... I just want you to know that even if your parents aren’t behind you that there are people in this GLBT community who love you, and just hang on to that forever. They love you for who you are no matter what."
Ken, a Quincy firefighter, brushed away tears as he and Marcia were presented with the award. Two years ago he told the crowd, he and his wife led a quiet existence. "We had nothing to do," he said, "and now, now it seems that we’ve got no time to do anything."
Although their activism consumes much of their time, "we get more than we give," said Marcia.
"The feedback that I get from some of these kids -- who aren’t as fortunate as CJ to have the support -- what I get from them keeps me coming back to do more," said Ken.
The couple’s primary motivation, however, is their concern that more parents of trans youth don’t actively support their children. Marcia, for instance, noted that the PFLAG support group they attend for parents of transgender children at the Sydney Borum Health Center draws just a small handful of attendees.
"There’s not enough parents showing up to support their kids," said Ken. "It’s either they don’t talk about it or they turn their backs on them."
The Garbers, however, continually emphasize the importance of parental support, even though it was ultimately not enough to save their son CJ, who struggled for much of his young life with gender identity issues. Though he was born female, he "was never a girlie girl," said Ken. The couple both recalled how as a teenager, CJ finally gave in to his sister’s badgering about a makeover
When CJ was about 12 years old, said Marcia, a therapist suggested that he was transgender, which brought the family some measure of relief. "Actually it was in a way ... a relief, because at least you have something to work with, you know?" said Ken.
Though they supported CJ throughout the stages of his transition, it wasn’t until the debate over same-sex marriage reared its head in the form of a petition drive for an anti-gay marriage amendment several years ago, that they became active in a more public way.
"I would sit in my institutional Catholic church and get very distressed at the notion that my kid, whether my kid was gay, whatever, bisexual -- at the time that’s where we were at," said Marcia. "I would sit there and get that feeling of, my kid is not welcome, my kid is looked at, my kid was shaving his head, my kid was my daughter [but] my kid was presenting as a guy since he was this big in the community," she said lowering her arm toward the floor. "It was very painful and very difficult and nobody would really talk to you about that."
"But they would stare and look at him like there was something wrong with him," said Ken.
"I couldn’t even imagine what it must have felt like for him," said Marcia. So when the anti-gay marriage petition turned up at the back of her church, she said, "I was enraged. I was full of rage and I wrote a nasty letter to my pastor on my collection envelope. I left and there was no turning back."
She has found a spiritual home at Dignity Boston, a Catholic community for LGBT people.
"I have to have some faith," said Marcia. "I felt like I needed some faith, something for myself."
Their involvement with the LGBT community was an attempt to model connectedness for their son, who the Garbers said was always isolated.
"High school was difficult, middle school was hell and we wanted to be models," said Marcia. They hoped that CJ, too, would assimilate or integrate into a supportive community. While he did attend some transgender-focused events and became involved with the Boston Alliance of GLBT Youth, better known as BAGLY, CJ, who was described by his mother as "a complicated kid," continued to struggle.
"He didn’t get that this was just the beginning for him," Marcia said of her son’s transition. "He thought it was going to be the ultimate fix." Though he underwent top surgery, was taking hormones, and "had a beautiful girlfriend," said his mother, he remained somewhat isolated even after enrolling at LaSalle College. He fell deeper and deeper into drug abuse and though his parents tried to intervene, they could not get through to him. He died of a heroin overdose.
"He had everything but yet there must have been something -- and trans people talk about that there is ... this inner pain or something and I’m wondering if that wasn’t what was happening to CJ that he was never going to be that complete, whole male," said Marcia. "... I don’t know if that was part of his distress."
Shortly after his death, Ken recalled, a neighbor who is the mother of a son with Down syndrome sent a condolence card to the family, in which she noted that when he was growing up, CJ always invited her son to his birthday parties -- something no other children did.
"That’s the kind of kid he was," said Ken. "He knew what it was like to be on the outside, you know?"
But if CJ’s gender identity made him an outsider, to some degree his parents have been cast as outsiders for supporting his gender transition. In addition to seeing the passage of the transgender civil rights bill on Beacon Hill, they hope their activism will help people understand the role of a supportive parent in the life of a transgender child. Ken is acutely aware that other people have sat in judgment of him for supporting CJ as he struggled with his gender identity.
"I have to admit at times I thought people would think I’m nuts for doing this," said Ken. But he quickly adds, "You get to the point where you say, wait a minute, I know what I’m doing. And if they have a problem with it, they have a problem with it. It’s not my problem. I don’t think either one of us would do anything different. I think we’re happy that we did everything that we thought was right. I wouldn’t change it."
Until they got involved with the LGBT community, said Ken, they thought CJ’s transgender identity was something new and unique to their son. Now, said Ken, they know that is definitely not the case.
"I think that’s one of the points we’re trying to make is, yeah it is out there, it’s real [and] it’s not made-up."
|
|
|
Email
Print
Share
