News :: GLBT
Welcome to the family by Ethan Jacobs
staff reporterWednesday Jul 8, 2009 When Laura Alefantis and Rochelle Rousseau, a couple from Lawrence hoping to become foster parents, first read through the file of a four-year-old boy, D.O., they were initially wary. In his short life the boy had experienced significant trauma with his birth family, and the couple was not sure if they were up to the challenge of caring for him. But those doubts evaporated when the couple first met D.O. a year ago at a local office of the Department of Children and Families (DCF). (Casey Family Services, which facilitated D.O.’s foster care placement, requested that Bay Windows only use D.O.’s initials in accordance with DCF policy around children in the foster care system.)
"The first time we met him, he was funny and amazing. We didn’t expect to meet the little boy we met. When you read histories on paper they’re very scary," said Alefantis, a special education teacher. "We read his history, and although there were definitely a lot of rough spots in his little life we still wanted to meet him. ... He was just a happy, bubbly, energetic four-year-old boy who captured the room. He was charismatic. He was so amazing."
The couple agreed to bring D.O. into their home as a foster child, and a week later they went to a previously scheduled DCF foster care review hearing. Rousseau said at that meeting, based on the failure of D.O.’s birth parents to meet certain state-imposed obligations, DCF’s review board opted to shift their long-term goal from reuniting D.O. with his birth mother to finding him a permanent adoptive home. Suddenly the couple was presented with the option of adopting their new foster son.
"It was a shock to us, because we would never say no to that option if it was brought to us, but it was very quick and unexpected," said Rousseau, a service manager for a heating and oil company.
The couple said in the long term they plan to adopt D.O., who is now five, but they are taking the process slowly.
"We’re definitely taking our time. He’s definitely in our future. There’s no question we want to adopt him, it’s just a matter of when," said Alfantis. "He has a lot of needs and requires a lot of support, and we want to make sure those stay in place."
When Alefantis and Rousseau first decided to become foster parents they reached out to Casey Family Services, a child welfare agency that works throughout the northeast and in Baltimore, Maryland and that has its Bay State offices in Lowell. They are the first same-sex couple to work with the agency’s Lowell office, said Casey’s resource coordinator, Francyne Fuller, although several years ago the agency arranged an adoption with a single gay male. Fuller said for the past three or four years Casey has been trying, with little success, to reach out to prospective adoptive and foster parents who are LGBT, both singles and couples, to find homes for the children they serve. The agency has advertised in LGBT media (including Bay Windows) and has reached out to Unitarian Universalist churches in the state that affirmatively welcome LGBT members. This year the agency hosted a table at Boston Pride, and Fuller said she hopes to spread the word that Casey is seeking a diverse range of prospective parents, including LGBT people.
Alefantis said she and Rousseau stopped by the Casey booth at Pride and offered them encouragement.
"It was great. And I said to them, this is a positive thing. There are so many families that could offer supportive and good homes, but people are guarded, so you’ll have to branch out before people are going to find you," said Alefantis.
The couple have been together six years and are engaged to be married, and early on in their relationship they did charity work that brought them into contact with DCF and the children it serves. Alefantis said for several years they would contact the local DCF office around Thanksgiving or Christmas and ask for the name of a local family in need, and the couple would donate food, decorations, and presents to help that family enjoy the holiday. In early 2008 they decided to go a step further and welcome a foster child into their own home.
"We have a really great relationship, we have a lot of offer, and we wanted to extend that opportunity to a young child in need," said Alefantis.
Before D.O. the couple had an earlier foster care placement through Casey, a girl in her late teens (most of Casey’s youth are adolescents). The couple said the young woman had experienced severe trauma in her life, and having a stable family environment actually made things worse, reminding her of the disruption of her earlier life.
"It brought back a lot of trauma. ... Everything she wished for, she couldn’t handle it," said Rousseau.
Within two months DCF ended the placement, but the couple still maintains contact with the young woman.
"She sabotaged the placement, but not the connection. But the experience normally would have scared a lot of people away, but it made Rochelle and I stronger because we realized we could do it. If we could handle this situation, which was turbulent to say the least, we could handle anything," said Alefantis.
Soon after that first placement ended the couple decided to try again, and they brought D.O. into their family. Alefantis said sharing their lives with D.O. has been a profoundly rewarding experience for everyone involved.
"[D.O.] coming into our home is amazing. He’s brought us happiness. My family’s completely in love with him. So is Rochelle’s family," said Alefantis, who said they both come from large families. "That’s helped him build the trust that he has a family, what’s a family like, having family dinners."
The couple said D.O. is incredibly active and turning into a budding athlete. They have shuttled him around to take part in a wide range of sports, including tee ball, football, basketball, swimming and gymnastics.
"He’s very active, very athletic," said Alefantis. "We definitely want to keep him exposed to a lot of different things, trying different things."
She said the year they’ve spent as D.O.’s foster parents has also had its rocky moments. Alefantis said D.O. has had difficulty building trust in their relationship because of the disruptions he faced with his biological family. That was exacerbated by his biological mother, who had been fighting to maintain custody of him and who only recently agreed to sign off on an open adoption. Alefantis said D.O. felt a conflict between his loyalty to his foster parents and his biological mother.
"I think one of the main [difficulties for D.O.] is loyalty and trust, building trust to not just hear our words that we’re not leaving but to believe them," said Alefantis.
She said throughout their experience with Casey the agency has been overwhelmingly supportive, and she said the staff has been excited to work with its first female couple. She credits Casey with helping connect them to a wide range of services and resources that have helped them respond to D.O.’s particular needs and challenges. The one area where the couple has had to go it alone is in finding resources specifically for LGBT parents. Alefantis said since they’re the first same-sex couple at the agency they have had to find many of those resources themselves, but she hopes the work they have done will help other LGBT parents working with Casey.
"Although Casey’s wonderful, they [have] very limited resources in terms of networking, so they’re still trying to understand and find support groups. A lot of it we’re doing it on our own, doing the footwork," said Alefantis.
She urged any LGBT people contemplating becoming foster or adoptive parents through DCF to put aside their doubts and to try it.
"Take that risk," said Alefantis. "A lot of restrictions or limitations you think you may have, [if you worry about them and do nothing] it shortens it for a child who could have the opportunity to experience that in a home that’s caring and trusting and loving."
Ethan Jacobs can be reached at ejacobs@baywindows.com
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